The Lead-in

The wet stench that rose from the gaping festered wound saturated the heavy air in the tiny exam room, filling every crevice, making Meg's head swim and her gorge rise. "I am not cut out for this" she thought as she quickly excused herself, sure that her face must actually be turning green.

Zaxpazzaz (aka Xaxpazzaz?)

I was reminiscing tonight about a time in my childhood that was pure, unadulterated wonder. In a time when my innocence was still intact and life was simple. The summer evenings strung out long and we played in the streets, climbed the neighbor's tree and gave each other wheelbarrow rides around the pond in the backyard. A time when a fireworks show at Disneyland signaled the 9 pm hour every night as we watched in wonder from the mouth of our cul-de-sac. I had a friend back in those days, we will call her Lisa, who accepted me right away and just for who I was. I knew she was special (she became my best friend, after all) but, as an adult now, I finally realize and fully appreciate HOW special. She was the only one of my friends that never turned on me or made fun of me. When the other kids were trying to assert their "coolness" in front of their friends, she never felt the need to put me down just to make herself look or feel better. She was always there for me and even let me hide out in her garage when I "ran away from home".  One summer night as we sat outside, looking up into the darkening sky, a particular star caught our interest. We decided that star was going to be called Zaxpazzaz. I don't know where the word came from; it was just a nonsensical word, really, but from that moment on that star belonged to us. I miss my childhood friend but, as corny as it may sound, I find comfort knowing that she sometimes looks up into the same sky I am looking up into trying to remember, just like I am, which one of those billions of tiny lights bears the name of no other - the name Zaxpazzaz. 

The Crimson King

Loves to lure

Deceives to death

Waits and watches with

Bated breath

Steals the soul

Dragging down

Prowls and preys

Fosters frowns

Crushes courage

Cheats the cheater

Flees the faithful

Loathes the leader

Dangles doubt

Stirs up strife

Haunts the husband

Woes the wife

Fathers falsehood

Feeds the fear

Advocates anger

Tugs the tear

Fools the fool

Strives to sting

Justifies jealousy

The crimson king

Sometimes They Come Back

Well, although I have not come even close to accomplishing my goal this past year, I have learned something about myself. I am not motivated by long-term goals. I think it must be my fear of failure that causes me to jump ship whenever I set myself a goal. Ironically, I fail to achieve my goal because I refuse to pursue it. In order to relieve myself from the stress of a rigid schedule, I have decided that I will write here when I do and I won't when I don't. If you are here to read it, I am glad, but I have come to realize that this is something I have to do for myself, not for you. I have too many other demands on my life that are largely for the benefit of others and this blog was something that started out to be just because I enjoy writing and sometimes think I have something worth saying. Secretly, of course, I dreamed of hundreds of people following me and hanging on every word, but that wasn't the reason I began. Anyway, here we are again (if you are still there), this time with no promises and no schedule. I will write and you may read. Thank you if you choose to. Xoxo